


Built To Last

by TheonSugden



Category: Emmerdale
Genre: Angst, M/M, Scars, Self Harm, self hatred
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-24
Updated: 2015-08-24
Packaged: 2018-04-17 00:22:12
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,231
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4645458
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheonSugden/pseuds/TheonSugden
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Grief and guilt soon after Katie's death brings Aaron and Robert back together.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Built To Last

“This wasn’t supposed to happen again.”

The words were slurred from Aaron’s cheek on Robert’s chest, stubble against smooth.

“Famous last…” Robert replied, sharpness slicing his throat midsentence. 

Aaron felt Robert’s stomach clench at the shared memory. 

“I didn’t mean it that way,” he said, quietly, unable to look at Aaron, fingers in Aaron’s messy hair as an attempt at comfort.

He’d always wanted to share more with Robert, but not this. Never this. But they did share Katie’s death…they’d take it to their own graves.

Aaron forced himself to sit up, forced himself not to get used to the feel of crisp fancy sheets, or to the feel of Robert’s naked body against his.

“Shouldn’t have done this,” he muttered, trying to convince himself more than Robert at this point.

Before he could stand, Robert’s arm was around his waist, reeling him in for one kiss, then another. Robert held Aaron’s head in his hands, like he was trying to make sure Aaron couldn’t see anything else. 

When he was with Robert, he rarely did anyway.

“We don’t stop hating ourselves even if we’re good little boys, Aaron. I need this.”

 _“I need you,”_  flashed in Aaron’s mind, burning bright and fading quickly. The day in the garage when he’d nearly given in. He’d tried to stop himself, tried to ignore the text, but he was so sick of that pub he wanted to smash it up every time he walked through the door. Sick of feeling guilty and ashamed and alone, even if he deserved it.

He let Robert’s hand slide down to his throat, gently pressing on it as some subtle reminder of who Aaron belonged to, as if Aaron didn’t already know. 

“Do you?" 

"Do I what?”

Aaron thought he probably knew the question, but didn’t want to answer. Aaron had to ask. He had to know if he was all alone in grief for Katie and so many others, if Robert was never going to be there to keep him from drowning in it.

“Do you…hate yourself?”

Robert’s eyes darkened, his thumb twitching ever-so-slightly at Aaron’s pulse point. 

“I leave that to the experts,” Robert said, pointed and pleasant at the same time, moving his hand down Aaron’s torso to trace the scars on his stomach and chest. 

Aaron flinched just enough for Robert to notice.

“I’m sorry,” he said as he sat up, pressing his lips against Aaron’s hairline, resting his chin on Aaron’s shoulder as he cradled him from behind. 

“S'fine,” Aaron murmured, even if it really wasn’t.

Robert held him tighter now, some form of apology for a man who did as much as he could to avoid them. 

Aaron wanted to tell Robert to move away, to stop getting close, because when he did, Aaron almost forgot what was it like to be without him. He couldn’t do it. He couldn’t let go.

They stayed quiet for a while, Robert’s face buried in Aaron’s neck, Aaron’s eyes heavy as he watched the sun beginning to set through the curtains.

Finally, as Aaron began to drift off, Robert answered him, at the same time as Aaron felt hot tears on his neck.

“Every time I see Andy, or even Vic or Diane, I feel like I’m back there again. Only even worse, because…because you’re not there anymore.”

Aaron couldn’t, wouldn’t say anything. He reached for Robert’s hand, fingers intertwined as Robert wept.

He drifted off again, this time longer, the sun gone as his eyes opened. He yawned, knowing this was the closest to a good sleep he’d had in ages, since weeks before Katie…

Robert’s hair in his mouth distracted him. Messy unruly hair for a man who tried never to lose control. 

Aaron smiled, in spite of the general shit feeling inside him, at the state of Robert. He knew he should be thinking about the lies he’d have to tell his mam, but she already thought the worst of him anyway - he just had to stop caring if he didn’t want it to carve out what was left of him.

“Good evening,” Robert said, making Aaron start as he hadn’t realized Robert was awake. 

Aaron kissed his reply into Robert’s shoulder and reluctantly left the bed, pausing for a minute to drink in the sight of Robert stretched full out, smiling at him with sleepy eyes, hands behind his head, glistening and shiny and yet somehow perfect, like every stud in every advert come to life.

He knew it wasn’t real, knew his Robert probably wasn’t real, but he had to believe it was, some part of it, any part of it. Otherwise, it was all for nothing. 

Robert, almost as if he sensed Aaron’s guilt, crawled over toward him, reaching for his hand.

“Aaron, if you’re going to tell me it’s the last time and we were wrong…”

Aaron looked down at his feet and legs, at his naked body, a body that betrayed his resolve to stay away from Robert even now. 

“I-I can’t say it anymore, Robert,” Aaron replied. “The more I say it the bigger a joke it is, cause look at me. Look at us.”

Robert kissed the back of his hand, and he tried not to jump back on the bed, hide under the covers, never leave.

“Not gonna say things from now on. Just gonna do them. So when I go…I’m gone, right?”

Robert nodded, a hint of fire in his eyes the only sign of an objection. Almost a taunt, as both men knew Aaron never left for long.

“Just one thing,” Robert said, soft and shy, half-real, half-game, the former being what made Aaron listen.

“Aaron…I want you to look in my coat pocket.”

Aaron looked over at the chair, unsure.

“No tricks. I promise.”

Aaron was keenly aware of Robert’s eyes on him as he made his way over, slipping his hand in the pocket, pulling out a long, slender white box.

“I got it for you for Valentine’s Day. I bought it weeks ago, before…”

 _Before. Before. Before._  

It would always be before, from now on.

“Please open it.”

He did, hands shaking giving away his nerves. 

“It’s a watch, Aaron.”

Aaron wanted to snap that he’d figured that out, like he would have to most people, but he just couldn’t stop staring at the simple black band.

“It looks like something you see everywhere, but once you really look…it’s strong, and sturdy, and beautiful.”

Robert was soon at Aaron’s side, taking the watch from him, holding it in his hand, dangling from his fingers.

“It’s going to be around a long time, Aaron. It’s built to last.”

Aaron expected Robert to put it on his wrist for him, some sign of power or dominance, but instead, Robert placed it flat in his palm.

“Happy Valentine’s Day, Aaron.”

Aaron stuffed it in his own coat pocket, accepting Robert’s kiss, pulling away while he still could. He showered, then dressed, forcing himself not to say goodbye to Robert, knowing it would hurt too much.

Once he got back to the pub, sitting in the car outside, dreading the walk inside, he pulled the watch out again.

 _Strong, and study, and beautiful._  

Before he could talk himself out of it, he fastened the watch to his wrist.

_Built to last._

It would have to be.


End file.
